November 28, 2009


It's BLUR...
all the EMPTINESS covers this feeling
I am a perfect LOSER,
Yeah, you named it, and I am okay!
I have no GUTS in facing REALITY...
I just try to protect ones I LOVE VERY MUCH!
I can't accept MISERY, and caLL me the UGLY MAN of REALITY,
yeah, you named it, and I AM OKAY!

November 26, 2009

The Letter to North and South

I am writing a letter to my North and South

It is a scene of life cycle of us
We always met five times a day within a sacred hall
and we always talked about hope and wishes,
admires Thou every breath since we are gratefully thanked
the composure of Thy present always covers me with smile and tears,
no matter what happened, what has just happened and what is going to happen,
we never missed the meeting, not once.
Until I wrote Thou this letter
We are rarely meet lately,
I don't know what happen to me, but it seems like we now get far away,
It is not five times, but sometime only three or four times a day
Did I forget Thou?
No, I guess or Yes I did so,
I am lost in a lust, hearing Your voice, "She is a betrayer!"
Hurts me so, but this is it, Thou caught me false and sinful
I know Thou always wait for me in the same place everyday, but no presence of me then,
What's left?
Believing in Thou is like a food to my flickering heart and soul,
I am lost and I am losing Thou
Forgive me for all unforgiveness
Please, wait me in that place every five times a day,
My oath will never let Thou be there without me,
My oath that makes Thou stay and put Thy hand out to me,
Now, it's not only hope nor wishes, but devil and angel, forgiveness and unforgiveness, and oath, promises, swear within a sacred hall of me to Thou, truthfully remorse of me,
Never close my heart and let me in,
splash me with the purity of verse of Thy,
I beg Thou to stay forever and don't let me go,

For I am writing a letter to my North and South

The Confession of 20-year-old young girl

I keep wondering how does it feel being 20?
And, this is it...Now I am officially 20-year-old girl with (again) never been growing up as my age.
somehow, I felt that twenty is scared me a lot, it has no number "one" following the other numbers, and it's been replaced into number "two" which then follows other numbers as well. Yeah, actually this is the phase into the word of "MATURITY". Maturity? I dont really know about it and seems like I have no idea regarding that word. Honestly, whatever the reasons are, I do hate to be mature! Surely, I have no guts in facing the reality coz' life is like a big prison to me. '

Well, can I stay in that land, where all fairies lived and spread their blessing to our little kids? I wish I could...

Anyway, God served me a big plate of dishes at once on my birthday; they were problems, confusions, unstable life, and a huge number of ordeals. Maybe, God wanted to know how expert chintia in handling all those crazy stuffs at once, and maybe it's kind an opening stage of our life to pass another stages afterward. It's like doing a midterm test of the first-year students in the university, when everything is vague and we just try to make the best guess as we can do. Just like a map to guide us accross the jungle so that we will not lost.

Oh dear, those are exactly what I felt of being twenty. Fantastic, Incredible, but somehow it's hard! However, I do believe that it is just the strating point to find my personal legend, like what coelho stated in "The Alchemist". It's long way to go, and it's such a never-ending journey to be there, but I will never stop to walk and run as quick as I could. I don't want to be a dreamer who lives in the fairy tales, that tells only one part of human's character and human's life.
This is life, hunny! It's not all about greatness, satisfaction, and the stage of acts where you could fulfill and get everything you need, but it's all about how you strive harder to survive in all conditions we are going to face. God has answered all those difficulties by giving some choices for His Men in this world. We hand it by ourselves. So then, what should I am worried about in facing reality? There are no more reasons to be afraid and stucked on the faith.

What I have to do just keep moving on the track, the path of mine. One aim, one vision, one fighter!

It's such a blessing moment of my life and be gratefully I said to You, The Almighty Allah, The Lord of the universe! I hope I could fix the guiltiness and start with the white space of pure heart to continue the journey to gain my "Personal Legend".

God, guide me to move straight in your lighting path, reminds me when I begin to turn against your way, then forgive me for the shadow around my way to You.
I am remorsefully ask your apology and give me the second chance to fix everything in my life.

Lastly, Welcome to reality, my young-twenty-year-old girl!
You will make it, chintia!

"I am tough, I am rough!" (smirk) ;)

Terimakasih untuk segala berkah dari Sang Maha Segalanya, Allah SWT atas waktu dan kesempatan sehingga saya dapat menikmati pergantian usia yang kini telah berkepala dua. Wow. Wow. Saya sangat tidak siap untuk menghadapi hari ini. Tapi, so many thanks buat sang pujaan hati yang selalu siap sedia dan dengan penuh kesabaran mendampingi saya dalam menghadapi setiap fase hidup yang terkadang membuat saya lelah dan ingin mengakhiri semuanya, namun dia dengan penuh kesabaran me-re-charge jiwa yang lambat laun mulai kosong ini. Yah, kepada Rohmansyah Putra Agung, "Thanks a lot Hunny. You are the light that never dim". Begitu juga dengan makhluk-makhluk yang kusebut sebagai teman dan sahabat :)
You guys are just more than that AMAZING! :)

Silly thoughts about thoughts

This is the theory or rather specifically called as my principle I found related to the experience through my own thoughts, or you can say it as an instinct indeed. I dont know where it begun, but sometime I felt that the power of human thoughts are deadly amazing.

As the started, I just want to remind you that everything I wrote in this space is absolutely the crap rather silly opinion that you can trust or not either. It's all up to you. So, enjoy this crazzy stuffs.

It just like a huge driver capacity that you may load the countless databases inside of it, just like USB within many types according to its capacity or just like a computer which not only works in saving but also processing something, datas. Obviously, it is brain, inside our head doing this. Brain is just the centre of coordinating system in your body so you have a balance. Then, its jobs are beside processing, it also helps you to remember the events and to think about it (it's theoritically). However, have you ever told that everything comes in our mind sometime unconciously reflects to the experiences we had before we live. As a result, human are technically creative and cultured. For instance, human creates something then they named it. Say, it is a tool made of glass reflects your own image, then it is called in term of "mirror" which then admitted and used by all the people around the world. Actually, the capability they have in doing so has started since we were in the world before this world. What I mean here is simply agree about what PLATO stated about the world of idea. He believes that the world of idea is the reality meanwhile the life in the world today is based on the experience we got in the world of idea, so we can say that as it is unreal world of today. Personally, I am quite agree with the theory of Plato because it is possible that human has already given and experienced themselves long time before they are born into this life. That's why, human is supposed to be critically logic in their perspectives, cultured, creative, and well in creating as well as maintaining the world they live.

By the way, it is the interlude of my further explanation about the power of thouhghts. Essentially, my point of view is more than those things I've already expalained, but don't worry it still has something to do with it.

moving on to my personal theory which is actually the point of this writing! *hohohoho*
The theory is that the answers of whole questions in this world can be done by exploring the thoughts of human being because everything has already saved and experienced before we live in this world, just like what Plato has said. All the printed answers are made by human, so I believe that human by themselves could find the answers by using their own brain, their thought without depending on the sources which is made by human also and sometimes it has possibility goes wrong. However, this is what I called as the flexibility of human thoughts and the magical intuition of thoughts. Well, in this case, my theory is not implemented in terms of religion point of view because it is absolute case that cannot be questioned by your own thoughts. Also some cases with the principle facts about something. Anyway, every little things in this world always have two possibilities, so we must think and figure it out. Try to ask yourself about what is this and what is that then how this thing could happen, why, and etc. These questions will help you to see every cases in many different point of views, and not dirrecly accept everything said on the printed stuff or other people's opinion. You can filtrate even giving your rebuttal and your own arguments. However, those activities just only could be done by using our brain, our thoughts. Unconsciously, every human has capability to find the answer of everything lies on this earth by (again) exploring their thoughts!

Actually, in my dialy life, I would prefer to use my brain to think as hard as it can at first than to find the answer directly through the printed answers because I do believe in the power of my thoughts and the answer is already there, we just need the harder efforts to find it out!

So, what do you think?
You don't have to be agree with my theory. It just (again) only what my thoughts said about its power, none of the experiments prove about my theory itself.
Indeed, it's not impossible if my theory will be proven, we never know. Hehehehe....


2 June 2009 ; 1:07 am

izinkan ku curahkan segala galau dihati yang selalu menghampiri malamku dan mengusik kenyamananku mengagumi keindahan jagat raya-Mu...

kau adalah Maha segala yang tak ada tandingannya...
kau pula yang ciptakan rasa di setiap insan di dunia...
kau hadirkan rasa untuk membuat hidup ini bermakna...

Tapi, Tuhan...
aku tak bisa memanfaatkan rasa yang telah kau berikan kepadaku...
rasa itu menghancurkan raga dan jiwa ku sehingga runtuhlah pertahananku, sehingga teraniaya nan diperbudak aku olehnya...
mungkin aku sedang tidak mensyukuri anugerah-Mu, mungkin aku sedang meratapi dan menyesali atas pemberian-Mu, atau mungkin aku sedang kehilangan akal sehatku akan indahnya rasa dan merasakan rasa itu...aku pun tak pernah memahaminya karena aku tak pernah belajar tentang bagaimana mengolah rasa...aku pun tak pernah belajar bagaimana menyayangi dan membenci...
seandainya ku tahu, mungkin aku pun akan belajar bagaimana untuk tidak menyayangi dan tidak membenci..

Hambamu sedang terjebak dalam sebuah ruangan gelap tanpa cahaya, ruangan hampa tanpa udara, dan ruang itu adalah rasa...
bisakah Kau jelaskan mengapa semua ini bisa terjadi?
adakah alasan yang masuk akal untuk semua ini?

bisakah Kau membantuku?
membantuku untuk terlepas dari rasa yang menyiksa ini?
rasa yang sering menghempaskan tubuhku dengan sangat kencangnya, mendorongku ke sudut yang tak bertepi, memaksaku untuk berhenti bernapas dan membuatku tak berdaya.
Ya, sungguh tak berdaya...

Kau tahu dengan pasti bahwa aku sedang diperbudak oleh rasa itu...
mungkin ini salah?
jika memang salah, kenapa Kau berikan rasa ini kepadaku?
mungkin ini bukan hal yang pantas bagiku untuk menyalahkan keadaan...
Tapi, Tuhan...dapatkah kau berikan jawaban atas segala kegalauan yang setiap detik menghampiriku dan hampir saja menghentikan nafasku, merenggut indahnya impianku...
jika tidak...
bisakah Kau mengembalikan rasa ini seperti sedia kala...
membuatnya menjadi lebih ringan bahkan sangat ringan, datar atau bahkan hilang...
biarkan aku tetap tertidur dalam mimpi indahku dengan rasa yang memberikanku keindahan dan kenikmatan memaknai sebuah kata "Bahagia" dan jangan pernah bangunkan aku dari mimpi indah itu, Ya Tuhan...

tolong jelaskan padaku...
aku sungguh tak kuasa memijakkan diri dalam ketakutan, keputusasaan dan kebimbangan...

Kau ada disana, bukan?
Aku membutuhkan jawaban-Mu...Sangat butuh!


Rasanya ingin kutumpahkan keabstarakan rasa yang terus mengobrak-abrik setiap sel hidup dan dinding jiwa-jiwa yang sebelumnya tak tergoyahkan,
Memaku layu bak dedaunan musim gugur ternyata menyita daya sang pendosa,
teriakan-teriakan kebebasan menggema disetiap sudut maya,
aku ingin marah, mungkinkah?
aku ingin gaduh, masihkah?
aku ingin muntah, mampukah?
aku lelah!