Januari 28, 2010
I was began with boundaries that stiff me inside the dark circle,
counting the days to normal life,
waiting for the amazing miracle of happiness among us,
love we share, love we need were almost destructed,
Universe is still amazing for its man, but not for me, for you, for us,
Emptiness brought our selfishness to the front,
I myself could not feel the relieve, all stuffs were stuck in one side, that I couldn't explain,
it's all about what our heart said, but we never gave any pure admission toward our heart,
we were growing too selfish and too self-centered without giving some kind aura to our heart,
while your heart spoke at once your mind called logic stated and shouted on your head about wicked way
to solve these madness,
We just went around the line, and it was sometimes getting harder,
I hated it lot! Did we ploy of the bastard demon?
Being hurtin and broken fed my life, and so did your life,
I guess, stop...
I want to end and close this January with purity,
Stop arguing and hurt one another!
Let's being one unity and giving our love affectionate like we always did.
Hell yeah, I can't not say it was good yet it's true my January is blue.
**Let's start new wave on the new month-Hope the better one will do, for you, for me, and for us**
Behind the tears I hide from reality,
Rainbow is a little paradise in my sight, giving its touch in wrapping feeling,
The crying of nature will always be my soulmate to fill me up inside,
Each tone of melody is a healthy medicine for my evil buddy, hope balance among angel and demon,
The magic words of these fingers usually amaze me a lot, I would love to have in space,
Love for all season from them is food for this starving spirit,
and, closing this amazing sight is deeply giving me some relieve of being not too sensitive to be in
touch in reality and so the quality of remembering of some crazy stuffs,
I am hiding, I am on mask, "Gorgeous Incognito", I've named it.
Mother earth, let this soul of madness will soon heal resembles with those escaping team, so that I could sniff my blessing bliss of life and be grateful for them.
They know nothing about felony, they know nothing about reality,
because they are living in their imagination of fairy,
They are protected under the clouds of heaven that will always be,
Their heart is locked from all those life insanity,
and it is also pure, not as dirty as their future be,
wherever they go, they catch the cloud upon their sanity,
this is what future called as the harmony of sea shore,
it goes away wiping the sand, and goes back bringing the new wave,
they are part of a cloud and sea,
Chasing their dreams without knowing reality,
because they only think toward something straightly,
deep inside their heart is full of wishing, any hope about now and then,
those are done without some wicked way,
yes, they are too innocent to be like a yellow bellied,
they are moving forward, the are so tough and strong,
heaven and angel around them,
yet, these are something, yeah a simple while it seems ordinary,
then, it always be extraordinary simple things that always be missing by their future,maturity.
After growing, they are likely to go backwards with no more boundaries,
yes dreaming about uncertainty is simple meditation for their own future boundaries that sometimes will bring them into normally NORMAL.
Januari 26, 2010
This letter is coming from your oldest daughter who has not given a proud to you,
I write this to show you that your beloved daughter is really disappointing you,
Mom, sometimes I can't show you how much I LOVE you for the rest of my life,
sometimes, words are stuck on my throat though it's only three simple words, but I never know why it was so hard to say even to show, but I hope you could know and understand what and how I am feeling about you...Yes, you are my only true Love in this world. Yes, you are my only Light that never been tired to give your shining shine, you are my everything, mine...and once more I LOVE you more than you know, I Love you and I never want to lose you, yeah I am afraid of losing you..:(
Mom, sometimes I can't say any words about how proud I am to be your daughter,
You are more than an ordinary mother for me, yes you are my extraordinary mother on earth, I named it coz' you deserve it! You are the source of my inspiration in living my life, and you are the one who lead me to always keep coming back to line...
You are tough, strong, and independent, and I'm proud of you, mom!
You are smart, wise, and loyal, and I will always proud of you, mom!
You are the map, reference, the guide who lead your family, and yeah I'm exactly proud of you, mom!
You are teacher of everything in life, teach us how to find the truth of goodness, and help us facing reality, and again I'm so proud of you, mom!
You are the savior for us, the heaven sent, God sent, the vice of God Almighty, you are pure and white, and you are as sacred as God's verses because you always walk and think straight, you heart is pure as pure as a baby, and Mom, do you know that, those sort of things, a half of kidness you have, can make me so PROUD, extremely PROUD of being your flesh and blood, your daughter whom you really love...
I haven't made one for you...
I precisely disappoint you everyday...
You never hate me when I make a lie to you, you keep believing in me everytime,
You never hate me when I say some harsh words to you, you keep smiling and embracing me to calm me down,
You always thinking of me, giving me your first priority although I never did the same thing for you..
You always Love me no matter what happened on me, no matter how worst my life is, no matter what I have done to you...I am still yours, and you still give your love, your affection for the rest of your life...you bet your life for us as your sacrifice..You always do.
Mom, I think the word sorry can't pay for everything you have given to me...
give me the second chance to make a change...
I don't want to make you disappoint again, and I hope I can be someone that you want me to be...
I am lost in sin, and I am not that good as you are thinking about,
I am your beloved daughter is not as pure as you are thinking about,
I am the worst, mom...I am so sorry...
forgive me mom...
I hope you could help me to find that way, the straight way to heaven,
Mom. I need you beside me to save me from the evil's way, from the sin...
God, you are my only savior who could relieve me from this sin...
I beg Your forgiveness, and I need Your hand to save my soul, to save my life from all sinful things.
Mom, forgive me...Let me show you that I could be anything you want, and I'll make you proud of me...
It's your trust and love that always make me coming back to the FAITH!
*Sudah terlalu lama saya berada di lingkaran setan ini, dan harus berapa lama lagi saya menunggu hati saya tergerak untuk mengakhiri semuanya? Saya rasa tidak perlu menunggu lagi, sudah cukup hantu-hantu kesalahan itu datang menghampiri saya setiap saya terjaga di pagi hari, dan sudah cukup bagi saya untuk menjadi boneka-boneka setan alas yang menjerumuskan hidup saya ke neraka jahanam. Saatnya kembali! Tingkah-tingkah setan alas itu hanyalah sebuah fatamorgana yang menyesatkan dan menyesakkan! Saya hanya butuh kekuatan keyakinan bahwa Tuhan dan Orang-orang terkasih selalu ada di samping saya, dan saya rasa ini adalah waktu yang tepat untuk memulai bab baru dalam hidup saya. Tak ada kata terlambat. Ini adalah tekad bulat yang harus terus saya pupuk agar kelak tak terjatuh di lubang yang sama. "Saya ingin kembali kepada-Nya, Suci dan Bersih"*
**27 Januari 2010**
A song for Mama (Boys II Men)
You taught me everything
And everything you've given me
I always keep it inside
You're the driving force in my life, yeah
There isn't anything
Or anyone I can be
And it just wouldn't feel right
If I didn't have you by my side
You were there for me to love and care for me
When skies were grey
Whenever I was down
You were always there to comfort me
And no one else can be what you have been to me
You'll always be you always will be the girl
In my life for all times
Mama, mama you know I love you
Oh you know I love you
Mama, mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like
Tears from the stars
Mama, I just want you to know
Lovin' you is like food to my soul
You're always down for me
Have always been around for me even when I was bad
You showed me right from my wrong
Yes you did
And you took up for me
When everyone was downin' me
You always did understand
You gave me strength to go on
There was so many times
Looking back when I was so afraid
And then you come to me
And say to me I can face anything
And no one else can do
What you have done for me
You'll always be
You will always be the girl in my life
Never gonna go a day without you
Fills me up just thinking about you
I'll never go a day without my mama
This song represents my feeling to you, mom :)
It's more than remorseful of ours, but we do fill it side by side, a demon
Thou created this creature purely with Thy hand,
carve them keenly that Thou thought it was good, it was best, and it was yes a destiny,
there always be some amazing twists behind Thy hand, it is sacred thing,
we could only comprehend it by contemplating the Verses, Thy sacred Word to us,
Thou blew the soul inside ours to live our life,
and mind as the key of going backwards, forwards or staying still,
Yes we were completely incredible, we are, and yes we will always be,
Nay, we ain't that incredible as Thy hand, we ain't so complete, and we ain't...
the play has started since the day Thou made us, them as the destiny of universe,
the play as a labyrinth, as a greenhouse, as this mirror reflection of faults,
Mind that Thou gave has already tricked our ways, their ways, exactly Thy ways,
World is too much tricky pleasures, fatamorgana, they named it,
We and they were giving mind to this foolish, the ways that never be printed in Thy Verses,
We and they were giving mind to this desperation, emptiness, a deep hole that it used to be the place where Thou was living, fed us and them, fill it up, and wipe all the tears of our confession, our feeling of remorse, and beg it repentently to Thou,
World are too cruel to be Thy side,
World has been manipulated with ours, their tricky plays with mind on dirty duties,
a half of us were like getting insane instantly, but a half other were about to get back, exactly waiting for a way back coming, and unfortunately it won't..
I said IT IS IRONIC!
Are they, we, and all Thy creatures still there, giving a Praise for you and stated simple words "Be grateful" for all this blessing stuffs?
Are they, we, and all Thy creatures still there, doing all Thy sacred saying, sacred commands that's already written on Thy Holy Book?
Are they, we, and all Thy creatures still there, begging beesechingly for Thy forgiveness?
Are they, we, and all Thy creatures still there, admiting for their unbounded faults, mistakes that they thought those are forgiveable because of Thy promises that always giving forgiveness everytime they made something wrong, something sinful?
Sadly, THEY, WE ARE NOT DOING THAT!
Aye, Thou has promised to let us back everytime we lost in sinful ways, but does it mean we have to keep doing some mistakes all the times? Does it mean we have to be the same as the donkey?
Does it mean we have to make an excuses for all the sinful stuffs we did by keeping coming back to Thou while we know it just makes Thou as if it's a play, a kid's play?
World is too full with our and their masks of hypocrisy, we and they are pretending, betrayers who have already transformed from Thy little Angel into a Demon...
Mind has tricked our way because we never try to force our heart to peace with mind to find a way back, but only looking for it...
Yet, who cares? Thou created us and them to be freely choose,
who will be Thy Heaven and who will be Thy Hell...
It's more than remorseful of ours, but we do fill it side by side, a demon
Januari 24, 2010
Tampaknya, angka 20 memberikan banyak guratan-guratan kisah yang memenuhi kitab kehidupan seorang chintia asmiliasari...dimulai dari krisis kepercayaan, krisis identitas, terlebih krisis kemanusiaan.
Yah, Logika dan rasa selalu beperan didalamnya..Logika yang kadang membuat ketidakmanusiawian dalam diri saya muncul, dan rasa yang membuat runtuhnya benteng-benteng pertahanan yang dengan susah payah saya bangun setiap detik dalam hidup ini...
kata itu cukup singkat namun sangat bepegaruh besar dalam hidup saya karena saya akui saya memang berbeda namun saya sangat nyaman dengan diri saya yang berbeda itu...
mungkin secara fisik saya tidak seperti wanita-wanita lain, mungkin saya tidak secantik mereka, tidak se-WAH mereka, tidak se-SUPERSTAR mereka dan tidak Sehebat mereka semua..Saya hanya seorang chintia yang biasa saja, yang menjalani hidup apa adanya sesuai dengan apa yang telah digariskan pada diri saya...saya tidak pernah ingin menjadi orang lain, tapi mungkin saya bisa sangat mengagumi orang lain, tapi bukan berarti saya ingin menjadi mereka karena bagi saya setiap orang memiliki karakter dan sisi keunikkan yang berbeda-beda...well yeah, this is me.
Kesan pertama orang-orang ketika melihat saya, mereka akan menganggap rendah dan menganggap saya sangat tidak berkarakter. Saya sudah tau, tanpa mereka harus mengatakannya...lalu kenapa?
apa yang salah dengan keadaan saya yang seperti ini? Jangan nilai saya dari apa yang saya gunakan, jangan nilai saya dari bagaimana penampilan saya, tapi lihat saya lebih dalam maka kalian akan tau bahwa saya tidak seperti yang kalian pikirkan...Tapi, saya tidak akan memaksa kalian untuk bisa menerima saya apa-adanya jika itu terpaksa dan tidak sesuai dengan cara pandang kalian karena saya rasa kalian punya alasan untuk melakukan itu sama halnya ketika saya merasa nyaman dengan keadaan saya seperti ini dan kalian memaksa saya untuk menjadi sama seperti mereke semua, namun saya menolak. Saya hanya berharap, siapapun kalian yang kini berada di sekitar saya dapat benar-benar tulus menerima saya bagaimanapun seorang chintia. Yah, saya sedang mengalami fase dimana krisis identitas mewabah dalam jiwa saya. It's so pathetic, isn't it?
Biarkan semua orang pada apa yang mereka katakan karena kita tidak bisa memkasakan apa yang benar menurut kita karena setiap orang punya latar belakang dan alasan
yang logis untuk semua...toh, manusia tidak ada yang sempurna bukan? hanya saja kita sering tidakmenyadari itu dan kerap kali menuntut orang lain untuk menjadi sempurna dan menganggap kita sempurna.
Satu hal, jadilah diri kalian sendiri, dan jangan biarkan apa yang dikatakan masyarakat membentuk diri kalian menjadi bukan diri kalian. You get what I mean? Yeps!
Just follow your heart, coz' heart never tells lie :)
Januari 09, 2010
“We deserve to have a freedom of speech and equality due to be a survivor in this cruel world where the justice is no longer stand as it is, but we have to deeply realize about what we really are at first and last”
Under our consciousness, sometime we never realize that we are as the women have lots of opportunities to gain our existentialism as many as we can because we are no more living in the world full of restrictiveness over something. As we flash back to some previous years, women were seen as human who had no status in their social life. They had no freedom to convey their thoughts (lack of freedom of speech), they had no space to elaborate their abilities as well, and they were seen as one who could only fulfilled men’s desire. No wonder, they were mostly working on prostitution. No admission into their position as human being, or we could say it as the losing of their existentialism. Moreover, women then labeled as the weakest one, who could do nothing. They were judged as the one who just bear the baby, feed them, and take care of them and her husband, that’s all. Those conditions indirectly have shaped the judgment about women generally for over years. However, the historical background above had already encouraged most of the women figure in that era to fight the discrimination among them. They fought for the equality and their position in social life, academic side, and also the right to sit in the parliament, to vote even to be a part of administration. As a result, we can feel the result of their efforts in fighting the discrimination today although it is not truly wiped off, but we can be more creative to speak out our mind to public nowadays.
Talking about freedom and equality among men and women, I suggest that we have to be more careful in defining the meaning regarding to those two words. Also, the parameter we take for the cases, so that we will not be out of track. The fact shows that both women and men are born differently on the physical and mental point of view. They were born by their own roles, their own part in this life because they have different character, personalities, they are identical, and also have their unique existentialism in their life.
That’s why, when we are talking about women freedom and equality, it should not be about unconditional case. The further explanation is that women are of course they have to have the freedom as the men have already had; freedom of speech, freedom to have the better education, freedom to vote, and anything that has something to do with the basic freedom as human being, just like what have already stated in constitution about freedom. Actually, the word freedom here has something to do with the right of human being. However, what we have to give more attention in this case is that, freedom doesn’t always mean absolutely free because behind the word freedom, we still have the other’s people freedom (rights), and also some duties to be done. Unfortunately, nowadays we are as the women who strive for the freedom are sometimes have misunderstanding in defining the freedom and what we are really striving for. Women nowadays prone to strive something wrong which is then turned into the right one. The issue about freedom they declared as if come at end into life misleading. They hide behind the word freedom given due to gain their personal interest. It also happens in the terms of “equality”. Yes, I personally agree with the proposal about women equality with men. However, what I want to clarify is that what kind of equality we want to have. Obviously, women and men have to have equality in their life which is the equality of the rights as human being, the equality to have the same treatment in social life, and etc. These are somewhat the same with the freedom we talked about before.
Actually, if women sue equality which is identically same as men, I don’t think it works and good for them. Why? Certainly, women and men are so different although women force themselves and successfully have the same position, have the same identity, and could do everything what the men could do, however, it will never make them same with men. It is because women and men were born with their own good and bad side, and they complete each other, and they are not standing as one person who could have two roles in their life. Beside that, women should be more aware to their nature as the women who have been gifted affectionate to take care of their family, and the power of women who will make our generation doesn’t stop at end. However, it doesn’t mean that women’s life is just going around in house to be a housewife, but women must be more open-minded and creative. We are now living in the era that we can easily explore ourselves and are more independent, and I think it’s the way how we live our life so far. Women nowadays are not limited in elaborating their selves. They can work, they can be everything they want, they can vote, they can be free speak out their mind, even they can rule the world if they want. Anyway, women are much more fascinated and sophisticated nowadays, but sometimes women forget their nature as the women because they are now can be so independent, they can earn money, and they can fulfill everything they need by their own hand, so they prone to choose their life to be alone. They don’t want to get married and choose to life as individual because most of them thought that men are the one who will restrict their dreams, their life goals. Their reasons are having a man beside them is just the same to bring them back in the past when everything is limited. That’s why, most of women nowadays are afraid of commitment, and I cannot agree with this case. I think we are as the women can still reach out our dreams and life goals even thought we are bundled by the commitment, in this case is marriage. It’s kind of selfishness if women thought the ways like that. Beside that, we must be more critical that nothing absolute in this world because when you sue the freedom and equality, it never be unconditional. You are still limited by the regulations, by the constitution, and by the others interest as well. We cannot be that selfish. One thing for sure that, we are women were born by the women, and we will never be here without the role of men and women itself. You can’t stand all alone in this life. You will need a man in your life and vice versa. We can’t easily deny it by the way. We need one another, and this is life should be. We cannot forget and live away from our nature as the women.
As I have already mentioned before, women and men were born differently with different role in this life, but they complete each other. It is all about the balance of our life, and we can life in one hand and one foot, or we will scattered. At last, we deserve to have a freedom and equality among men in this life, but we have to consciously conscious the nature of us, as the women.
Januari 08, 2010
I have just arrived in my hometown. Naturally, I was not born in this place but I did grow in this place. However, I don't know why and how everytime I make a step on this land, I always feel like it is such the safest place to hide from all the crowded that always clouding out my mind and heart, and I don't even know how and why I can be so much in love with this town although most of people sometime made fun about my hometown. Silly! Anyway, Do I care?
Something has just happened in my life and something has just changed my life into gloomy life. I can't picture happiness again, and I can't picture the satisfaction in me and also my surroundings. The more I run, the harder I caught. Feels like I have just run for almost a thousand miles without a stop, without a rest, and It hurts.
Loser! That's the way I am, but it's the way I wish I never did even felt about it...
Just like drowning and found unsaved life in the middle of the sea...I cannot escape from those insanities, and I wish I could escape from those by going back home, but it's now going wrong. I cannot run to escape myself, to escape from this pitful feeling, but now I cannot step back out from this rough road. Those a heap of novels I brought that I wish I could make them as a trahs and the real escape from reality, it just only excerbating my condition, this painful situation.
How can I walk meanwhile I don't even know how to start, and how do I help someone else meanwhile I don't even know how to help myself. I am stupidly loser,you named it, and it's all okay!
My life scattered, and I need my new wave of life.
Well, don't ever tried to suggest me to end everything I've just started because I'm tired of failing through something lately for several years before, and I guess I should make it at end savely and gracefully whatever it takes! I will build my own place where the safety and fulfillness can obsess into my soul.
blew by the wind to the east aim
pretending of ahead face of tough
nay, it is a wolf's in sheep's clothing
Just now, the poles are no more stand
its storm was sillily being disrepaired
like a nowhere man it goes
whatever it takes, it tows
Just now, its heart shaped row
walked upon the snow it show
weeping out its freezing blood
bowing gracefully with its nod
Memaku layu bak dedaunan musim gugur ternyata menyita daya sang pendosa,
teriakan-teriakan kebebasan menggema disetiap sudut maya,
aku ingin marah, mungkinkah?
aku ingin gaduh, masihkah?
aku ingin muntah, mampukah?
*Laugh* I am ridiculed.
Saya sering berpikir ulang tentang definisi logis tentang cinta, tapi mungkin kelogisan manusia tidak akan pernah mampu mendeskripsikannya jika perasaan telah bermain didalamnya. Entah bagaimana sebuah rasa bekerja sehingga manusia bisa begitu sangat melankolis dan hiperbolis ketika jatuh cinta.
Saya tidak munafik, kerap kali cinta membutakan mata hati saya sebagai manusia biasa, tapi yang tragis adalah ketika cinta dijadikan alasan demi kepentingan pihak-pihak tertentu yang kemudian melakukan pemyimpangan makna 'cinta' dari makna sesungguhnya. Tapi, apa sebenarnya makna dari 'cinta' itu sendiri? Yah, kalo menurut saya pribadi, cinta itu hanya sebuah simbolisitas untuk merepresentasikan perasaan manusia, dan cinta itu sendiri tidak melulu tentang kisah kasih dua gender yang berbeda. Cinta bisa ditujukan bagi siapa saja, apa saja dan dimana saja. Tapi, saya agak takut dengan term 'cinta' ketika diimplementasikan dalam sebuah hubungan dua insan manusia karena 'cinta' adalah simbol nafsu belaka. Saya lebih memilih term 'sayang' karena merepresentasikan kehangatan dan ketulusan, dan rasa-rasanya mencintai seseorang tidak akan sama dengan menyayangi seseorang. OBVIOUS! Ketika anda menyayangi seseorang maka anda akan berusaha menjaganya dan tidak akan pernah ingin menyakitinya bahkan merusaknya. Berbeda jika anda mencintai seseorang, rasa ingin memiliki dan 'lust' bermain didalamnya. Analogikan saja jika anda memiliki sebuah boneka yang sangat bagus dan mahal, jika anda menyayanginya, maka anda akan menyimpan boneka itu dengan apik di dalam lemari kaca, anda tidak akan membiarkannya berdebu, kotor dan rusak, bukan hanya orang lain yang tidak anda perkenankan untuk menyentuhnya, tapi juga anda sendiri sebagai si pemilik. Sedangkan jika anda mencintai boneka itu, maka anda akan dengan sangat antusiasnya memilikinya dan membawanya serta kemanapun anda pergi, tak akan membiarkan orang lain untuk menyentuhnya, dan boneka itu mutlak kepemilikan anda. Jelas kan bedanya?
"Mencintai belum tentu menyayangi, tapi ketika anda menyayangi seseorang, anda akan sekaligus mencintainya"
Sudah, rasanya cukup sekian dengan 'cinta'.
Too much lusts, falseness, and misunderstood in defining the word 'LOVE'.
can I say love is just a sin?